If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
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Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]