The pasta is now
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[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.