Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
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regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I told my vodka about you.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.