A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
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I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup