[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
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I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*