Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
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Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.