Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
You Might Also Like
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
All is fair in drunk and war.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.