Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
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Well, this explains it:
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay