No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
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“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
why would tinder want me to say this
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE