america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
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God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Not all heroes wear capes.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.