[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
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You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.