[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
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My new favorite headline
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Autocarrot sucks!
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.