I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
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“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Wait a minute
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.