I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
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I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”