What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
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I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill