Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
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Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
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ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.