Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
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Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I’m not proud
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
put ‘er there pardner!
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
The struggle is real
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.