If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
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Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
what are they serving at kfc then???
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco