I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
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if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons