I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
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*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Name another movie that mislead you?
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.