lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
You Might Also Like
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.