You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
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I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Just say no
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Just had my nails done!
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.