Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
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So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils