i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
You Might Also Like
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill