putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
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boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains