our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
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I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.