Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
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“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.