Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
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I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.