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Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.