Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
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Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.