Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
You Might Also Like
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
United Steaks of America
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.