my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
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[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.