Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
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Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Breaking news:
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
☠️☠️☠️
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.