If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
You Might Also Like
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
huge if true: the moon
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks