My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
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I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
My life coach traded me.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.