I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
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Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”