I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
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My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
gm
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes