I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
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I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.