[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
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PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i鈥檓 so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you鈥檙e doing great sweetie
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 馃獎
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter鈥檚 greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 馃檮 chill out. You aren鈥檛 a teletubby.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
鈥he end.