All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
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There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*