Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
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when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
How I like cutting carbs
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
it’s a van. how do they not know this
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.