How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
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Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
I never know how much to tip a cow.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Spa day..😅
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
i wish i could marry a nap