Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
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Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Bread puns are on the rise!
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Shower sex be like:
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal