I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
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TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Broom by every window for quick escape.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.