Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
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I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Anyone want a chair?
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?