Netflix and awkward silence?
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Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
The French cow says MEUX…
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear