While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
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If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
girls literally only want one thing..
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
marvel comics have peaked
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.