2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
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When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
absolute chaos
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
doing your own taxes