The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
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My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
technically true but not a great slogan