1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
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Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.